Lamisha Serf-Walls

From Faith To Fear And Back Again

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I know I typically begin the week with either my Inspiration Round-up or Dreamer Highlight, but in light of keeping it real with you lovely readers, I decided to start the week this post instead.  It is something I have been dealing with in the past few weeks and I am sure many of you have (or will) go through it as well.

I spent most of June and July imagining, envisioning, and creating my coaching framework as well as figuring out how I would present the information to potential clients.  The process was very easy-going and high-flying as everything was so exciting.  I didn’t feel a sense of urgency to get things completed by a certain date because I was simply following my inspiration to the very next step.  I had this intuitive knowing that August 1st would be when I open practice up to take new clients.  I had an idea that once I did, clients would come to me and would immediately want to get started.  I even went so far as to set a goal for how many new clients I wanted to book by the end of the month.

We are halfway through the month and I am not anywhere near my goal.  Fear

Bummer.

Actually it hit me much harder than just a “bummer” moment.  In fact, I have found myself deep in the throes of doubtful thinking, fear, and disbelief. My self-talk was running rampant as I condescendingly asked myself “How could you actually believe it would take off so easily?”

This was an admittedly ugly place to be for sure.

As I began moving through the muck of self-doubt, I realized I had allowed fear to take the place of the light, easy-going faith I had as I created my coaching model seemingly effortlessly.  Through that process I kept reassuring myself (read my Ego) that I didn’t have to have it mapped out as to how, when, and who would want to work with me.  I just knew that as long as I do what I love and stay true to myself the people who are meant to work with me will.

While I might have doubted how quickly I would book clients, I never once questioned that life coaching is what I am meant to do.

This weekend I did some thinking about my client goal for this month and couldn’t help but wonder if I had made a mistake by having a number I wanted to hit for the month.  Instead of focusing on writing blog posts, working with my current awesome clients, and creating resources for my readers, I found myself keeping score of how many clients I had (or didn’t have).  And while we are taught in the traditional/logical business world to set goals, map out a plan, and execute, I am beginning to see that might not be the best tactic for me.  My philosophy does center around following my inspiration and the general goal setting is not all that inspirational for me.

So, I am happy to say I have moved through the muck and am moving back into trusting this process.  I honestly believe and know that if you do what you love, the rest will fall into place, so that is exactly what I plan on doing.

In the past two weeks I have moved from a place of faith in the process to fear and back again and I must say it feels so much better.

Do I think I will always be high-flying and trust the process?  Probably not, but I now know it is not where I have to stay.  I can allow my Ego to have her say before I kindly tell her to relax and trust the process.  And what is even better than that?  I can use my personal experience to help my clients who may be struggling with the same thing.

Where do you have doubts in your life?  I am interested to know how you deal with your own doubts, please feel free to share below!

 

Letting Go Of The “How”

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Yesterday I set the date for action on writing my first children’s book.  I was excited, a little anxious, but mostly excited.  The words were forming in my head and if it weren’t for my day job, I would have immediately grabbed a pen and paper and started writing.  One of you wonderful readers called me brave for setting the date and I hadn’t even written one word yet.  I was feeling far beyond optimistic.  I had decided my dream would come true and nothing was going to stop me until….

I started wondering (more like worrying) about the “how”.  How am I going to get this writing contract by the end of the year when I didn’t know the first thing about getting a book published?  Do I need an agent or can I just send my proposal and manuscript on my own?  Where do I find the right publishers?  How long will it take?

The questions just wouldn’t stop and as I started researching the “how”, I became frozen in fear.  There were so many websites saying how hard it is to get a book published let alone a children’s book, and how long the process takes.  The rejections will come flying in or you won’t hear anything at all.  As I read all I kept feeling was my dream slowly deflating.  I wish I could say I was easily able to brush it off and find my positive place again, but I can’t.  Instead I fell into a fog of disappointment and fear that carried over to this morning.

I woke up feeling uneasy, overwhelmed, and just off.  I couldn’t put my finger on it but as soon as I began writing this post the fog began to lift.  I then remembered this…I don’t have to know the “how” right this second.  I don’t have to figure it all out right now.  If I can float on my excitement and creativity and keep my dream alive, the Universe will conspire to help me.  With a positive attitude I will be led to the path that is right for me and while so many naysayers (online at least) have stated the difficult road that lies ahead, I am choosing to believe it doesn’t have to be that way.  Just as easily as so many other pieces in my life have fallen into place, this will too one way or another.

I don’t have to know the “how” in order to believe it is possible.  In fact, no knowing the “how” makes it that much more exciting.

Raw Reflection

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**Note: This is not something I would normally post on my blog, but in an effort to remain authentic and not give the impression that life is all rainbows and sunshine, I decided to share this.  Some of it has been slightly tweaked from what I originally wrote in an effort to keep some things private. **

I often wonder how many tears a human being can cry before the tears just dry up all together.  I fear (or maybe hope), that I am close to my quota and that one day I will cry no more.  That the tears will not flow as freely as they do now, or better yet that I will have nothing left to cry about.  No more pain to release, no more fear to face, and no more anger to let go of.  Of the millions of tears I have cried in my lifetime, you would think my well would be dry, but it’s not.

Still I cry, sob, and weep for what I wish were different.  For years gone by that I wish I didn’t remember, and other things I wish I did.  For pain that I could understand and leave all together.  I cry for understanding, love, and compassion.  For things I will never receive from the single person that should’ve been there to love me, protect me, and comfort me.  And while my mind knows these things will never come from the source that I have always wished, my heart still aches and breaks for what I will never receive.

Somewhere in life I found comfort in the discomfort.  Safety in the instability.  It is what I knew, what I have always known.  When things feel too stable and the other shoe has yet to drop, I begin rocking my world to the core so it has no choice but to drop, yet my world isn’t the only one that rocks.  I tend to rock those that I care so deeply for, those I love and cherish more than anything.  Maybe it is a way for me to get comfortable again in the chaos, or to recreate the scene with a different outcome. Creating a familiar scene with different players, providing myself once again an opportunity to change the ending.  Maybe I am learning, then again maybe not.  All I know is when I look back at the aftermath of this creation, it doesn’t feel any better than before. The tears still flow, my heart still breaks, as my mind tries to make sense of it all.  Trying desperately to understand how to heal myself and get back to my place of stability.

The things my mind understands don’t always get communicated to my heart and my emotions.  It’s as if they have a life of their own, spinning out of control at times, while other times they lay dormant looking for the right moment to emerge.  My mind understands individuality and the fact that two people deal with things in their own way.  One fights their battle externally, while others fight it internally.  A relationship of opposites, yin and yang, black and white…balance? I’m not so sure. It sometimes feels like being alone on two different islands, close enough to see, but not close enough to reach each other.  Each dealing with her own demons, yet still separated by miles of misunderstanding and confusion. One sitting in solitude with the world on her shoulders never once voicing concern, sadness, or defeat, slowly burying what will have to be released one way or another.  The other very outwardly expressing pain, fear, sadness, and depression as she tries to find the deeper meaning of life.  Looking for peace and acceptance.  Love and compassion. Joy. Wanting nothing more than to fall into the arms of the other, yet feeling so far away.  Blocked by a fortress of protection.

My hope tells me that things will get better, that this too will pass.  It tells me that peace is waiting and that I am making progress.  That I will continue to heal and the tears will become fewer. It tells me that the connection I so deeply want and need will come back and I will be much stronger than before.  That this is part of my journey and love will prevail. It tells me that if something isn’t growing then it is dying out and sometimes there are growing pains and this is but one growth spurt.  That on the other side of this moment of confusion will be clarity.  A clearer understanding of life and compassion for my journey.  That I will be stronger and more connected because of this moment and all the moments before.  That I will not only survive whatever this is, but I will thrive.

Yet in midst of the tears, fear, anxiety, and confusion I find I have more than just hope, I have faith.