Lamisha Serf-Walls

Raw Reflection

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**Note: This is not something I would normally post on my blog, but in an effort to remain authentic and not give the impression that life is all rainbows and sunshine, I decided to share this.  Some of it has been slightly tweaked from what I originally wrote in an effort to keep some things private. **

I often wonder how many tears a human being can cry before the tears just dry up all together.  I fear (or maybe hope), that I am close to my quota and that one day I will cry no more.  That the tears will not flow as freely as they do now, or better yet that I will have nothing left to cry about.  No more pain to release, no more fear to face, and no more anger to let go of.  Of the millions of tears I have cried in my lifetime, you would think my well would be dry, but it’s not.

Still I cry, sob, and weep for what I wish were different.  For years gone by that I wish I didn’t remember, and other things I wish I did.  For pain that I could understand and leave all together.  I cry for understanding, love, and compassion.  For things I will never receive from the single person that should’ve been there to love me, protect me, and comfort me.  And while my mind knows these things will never come from the source that I have always wished, my heart still aches and breaks for what I will never receive.

Somewhere in life I found comfort in the discomfort.  Safety in the instability.  It is what I knew, what I have always known.  When things feel too stable and the other shoe has yet to drop, I begin rocking my world to the core so it has no choice but to drop, yet my world isn’t the only one that rocks.  I tend to rock those that I care so deeply for, those I love and cherish more than anything.  Maybe it is a way for me to get comfortable again in the chaos, or to recreate the scene with a different outcome. Creating a familiar scene with different players, providing myself once again an opportunity to change the ending.  Maybe I am learning, then again maybe not.  All I know is when I look back at the aftermath of this creation, it doesn’t feel any better than before. The tears still flow, my heart still breaks, as my mind tries to make sense of it all.  Trying desperately to understand how to heal myself and get back to my place of stability.

The things my mind understands don’t always get communicated to my heart and my emotions.  It’s as if they have a life of their own, spinning out of control at times, while other times they lay dormant looking for the right moment to emerge.  My mind understands individuality and the fact that two people deal with things in their own way.  One fights their battle externally, while others fight it internally.  A relationship of opposites, yin and yang, black and white…balance? I’m not so sure. It sometimes feels like being alone on two different islands, close enough to see, but not close enough to reach each other.  Each dealing with her own demons, yet still separated by miles of misunderstanding and confusion. One sitting in solitude with the world on her shoulders never once voicing concern, sadness, or defeat, slowly burying what will have to be released one way or another.  The other very outwardly expressing pain, fear, sadness, and depression as she tries to find the deeper meaning of life.  Looking for peace and acceptance.  Love and compassion. Joy. Wanting nothing more than to fall into the arms of the other, yet feeling so far away.  Blocked by a fortress of protection.

My hope tells me that things will get better, that this too will pass.  It tells me that peace is waiting and that I am making progress.  That I will continue to heal and the tears will become fewer. It tells me that the connection I so deeply want and need will come back and I will be much stronger than before.  That this is part of my journey and love will prevail. It tells me that if something isn’t growing then it is dying out and sometimes there are growing pains and this is but one growth spurt.  That on the other side of this moment of confusion will be clarity.  A clearer understanding of life and compassion for my journey.  That I will be stronger and more connected because of this moment and all the moments before.  That I will not only survive whatever this is, but I will thrive.

Yet in midst of the tears, fear, anxiety, and confusion I find I have more than just hope, I have faith.

The Bright Side of the Flu

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If I thought last week was a bunch of mayhem, I clearly had no idea what was in store for this weekend.  Let’s just say, life has a way of telling you to slow down and let go.

This weekend was spent taking care of my sick son, which involved sleepless nights and a trip to the ER.  Luckily it was nothing but a bit from the flu bug.  A flu bug that was very effective and efficient at taking down myself and my partner in the process.  Two sick adults tending to a sick child is enough to make for a bad comedy, or a good one depending on your sense of humor.  And since I am prone to seeing the silver lining and the bright side to every situation here is what I learned the last few days:

  • With less than 4 hours of sleep and a cranky toddler, coffee can give me enough energy to make it through the day but only one day
  • Sometimes no matter how urgent I believe certain tasks are, the truth is nothing is more important than our health
  • Rest is a must, with or without illness
  • Parents working together (even while sick) are much better than one parent trying to do it all
  • Juggling 2 doctors visits, a sick toddler, a visit to the pharmacy, and trying to rest is a recipe for disaster OR strength, in my case we proved not only how well we work together, but how strong we are even when we are under the weather
  • The flu-shot might be a very good idea for next year 🙂

While the last few days have hardly been a walk in the park and my list of to-do’s have more or less gone out the window, I am realizing that life happens all the time and I don’t have to control everything.  We get sick, we get better, but the main thing is that we will be ok, no matter what and there is nothing better than realizing that.

As we continue to mend and get healthier by the day, I am reminded just how lucky we truly are to have the insurance, benefits, medication, and mutual support for each other and our family and for that I am grateful.  May this week be more normal for all of us, but if it isn’t and the mayhem continues through the end of the year, I know we will not only survive, but we will thrive!

Gratitude: Magic & Mayhem

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This week has been a bit crazy and it seems that it may continue for a few weeks, so when deciding what to write about in today’s post it took me a little bit to decide on my two items.  After some reflection on the week and looking forward to the weekend, finally decided on magic and mayhem

There is always a lot of hustle and bustle around the holidays for my family.  Since we live so far away, we have to plan our shopping early and make sure to wrap and package our gifts to get them mailed off in time.  At the moment my living room looks like Santa’s workshop exploded with the many gifts, and piles of items to be mailed.  With that said I was reminded of the magical essence this time of year brings with the decorations, sweet-smelling treats, and the tale of Santa and his reindeer delivering wonderful things to families around the world.  I am reminded of the general good-will feeling that comes with the holidays and for that I am grateful.  I am grateful to be able to share in the magic with my son as his imagination grows especially during this time of year.  In spite of all the manic hustle and bustle that has gone on this week, I am comforted by the magic.

In addition to magic, I am surprisingly grateful for the mayhem that has taken place the last few days.  Without it, I wouldn’t learn lessons of patience and faith.  Without it, I might miss the appreciation and peace that comes when the mayhem has subsided.  In a weird, twisted, maybe confusing way, I am blessed by the mayhem because it keeps me on my toes and makes me stronger for next time.

May you all find a little bit of magic in the midst of whatever mayhem you maybe experiencing, but most of all enjoy your weekend.

Winds Of Change

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My how the winds of change sweep in so quickly, or so it has seemed recently.  I mentioned last week how I had some good feelings about the rest of the year.  I felt like something was on the verge of happening in my writing world and it was going to be great.  I also mentioned that what I thought was going to happen didn’t.  With that said the winds of change are blowing and they are blowing in an unexpected, unforeseen opportunity that will help me move forward towards beginning my life coach training program.

What is it you ask?

This week I was notified of a change in some of my work responsibilities at my day job that will mean more work, more hours, but some extra income as well.  Doesn’t sound like a good change does it? Actually it is a good thing because the added income will be just what I need to move towards setting a date to begin my life coach training (more on that later).  It is also a reason to celebrate because I feel like I am truly making progress and progress is always a good thing.

I am also seeing change  in a new light.

Change and I have never been friends, in fact change is something that I both crave and fear.  Not knowing where my path may lead fills me with both excitement and dread as I begin to think of all of the possibilities that can come from it.  I guess it also depends on what type of change we are talking about, but this type of change that allows me to move forward towards my dreams is a change I am ready to make.  And while the added income will be great, there are some other trade offs I have to be willing to make in the short-term.

One of which is more work and potentially more stress.  More items on my to-do list that will require more organization and balance of my time.  Add to that weekend hours that I am not used to and the potential for a very chaotic, stress-filled experience.  But, since I know this ahead of time I am choosing to be proactive in my efforts.  Planning my time accordingly and remembering the benefits of this current sacrifice.  More money and more savings mean I can begin my training much sooner.

In addition to that, the more time I spend in a job that I don’t love is more motivation to work on getting my ducks in a row to begin my journey towards my life coaching business.  This may be a mini step and a little sacrifice, but in my book it is also a huge opportunity to move forward.  And for that I am thankful as I welcome the winds of change, for they are not only changing this moment, but have the opportunity to change the rest of my life.

Maybe change isn’t so bad after all.

Success Redefined

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I have made it just past a month since starting this blog (woohoo!) and I am very proud.  Not only have I stuck with my writing every week day, but I have also managed to keep my creativity flowing and I have found that I am never lacking in material or ideas.  Success!!

Or is it?

When I started using WordPress as a platform for my blog, I was (and still am) very excited about how easy it is to use.  For a newbie like myself it was easy to set up and start blogging, and while there are still many things to learn, I feel confident with what I post each day.  In addition to the easy set up, I found (rather quickly) there is some great statistical information you can get in one click of your mouse.  Information about how many people viewed your posted, what country they are from, the number of “likes” for each post, and how many followers you have.  And being the numbers gal that I am, sometimes I find myself obsessing about the numbers.  How many views do I have today?  How many “likes” do I have?  Any new followers?

Crazy right?

I know I just started this magnificently creative, and courageous journey and though I keep telling myself that “every new blog takes time to grow”, I feel a little disappointed in the numbers.  If one of my posts doesn’t have many likes or views, I am starting to wonder about my content.  Is it boring?  Did I post too late or too early?  Should I have certain topics on certain days? Questions that are taking my focus away from my flow of creativity and joy in my writing.  And since I started this blog for two reasons, (to inspire, empower, and motivate others to achieve their dreams as well as to have a creative outlet for my thoughts), I realized that getting the most likes or followers on my blog is not as important and should not be my main focus.

Easy to say, not as easy to do.

So I am redefining success as it pertains to my blog.  Creating a blog and sticking with it was one of my dreams and here I am blogging about it.  I am enjoying the creativity, thoughts, and muses that come about in my daily life because of my blog and am happy to share with others in hopes that as they venture towards their goals, they will know that they are not alone in their journey.  I am enjoying the journey, the connection with other bloggers, and my own space to share my thoughts, visions, words, etc.  I’d say that is a success, a mini success maybe, but a success none the less.  And as my blog continues to grow (and it will), my definition of success may also change.  One day, I might set a goal for a certain number of followers/likes/blog awards etc., but I’m not there yet.  As for today, I am enjoying the process of creating something that matters to me.  And while I will still check out the numbers and statistics (because I’m curious), I will not allow my confidence to waver if I don’t have as much traffic, or “likes”, because while they are great, they are not the reason I am on this journey.  Those things do not define me as a blogger, writer, creator or person, but in time as I continue to make progress in my writing and blogging, those things will grow naturally.  It just takes time and patience. 

That is the great thing about goals.  When you create your dreams or goals, you get to decide what is successful and what isn’t.  For instance, if you are looking to lose a certain amount of weight, you are bound to have a bunch of little successes along the way and it is important to celebrate them as you go.  It builds the momentum and positive energy you will need to stay the course and reach your ultimate goal.  Same thing goes for any goal really.  If you are starting a business, celebrate when you decide on the name of that business.  Celebrate when you find the space for that business.  Celebrate when you have 2 clients, or when you have 10.

The main thing to remember is to celebrate the journey because it is there that you will find many little successes that once built upon, create the life you once dreamt.

Think about it.  How do you define success as it pertains to your most current dream?  I would love to know.