Lamisha Serf-Walls

This or That: What To Do At a Crossroad

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crossroad

Happy Tuesday Lovely readers!

How many of you have been in a situation lately or in your life when you have had to make a decision?  I’m not talking “what shall I have for dinner tonight” although for some of us this can prove to be a pretty challenging decision.  I am talking about the BIG decisions.

For instance: Taking one job over another.  Moving ‘there’ or staying right where you are.  Follow your dreams or stay where it’s secure.

In the course of my life I have made many seemingly big decisions and every time I sat down to think them through, I got anxious.  I wanted to make the right decision!  My thoughts were clouded by all the pros and cons and I was overwhelmed by the options and how they would play out in the future.

I was at a crossroads and I didn’t know which way to go.

What I didn’t know then (but I know now), is that we all have an internal-decision-maker.  It’s called the heart.  Ok, maybe not the physical, blood pumping heart, but it’s the intuitive “heart” that can feel its way through situations.  The problem is we forget we have it because we have grown so accustomed to thinking our way through issues, we immediately try to do what is logical.  If you are like me, you may have found the logical route to be more than a bit rocky and instead downright miserable.

The work I do with clients is to help get them out of their heads and into their hearts.  Instead of thinking through the pros and cons of a situation, I want them to feel their way forward.  Our bodies are amazing and they can provide a lot of information about the decisions and choices we make on a daily basis.  I find that the ‘wrong’ choices (or at least not the best choice for me in the moment) feels restrictive to me.  My chest tightens and things just feel heavy overall.  However, when I make a choice from my heart and it is the ‘right’ choice, I feel expansive and an opening occurs in my chest.  I feel uplifted and light.  Those are my markers, but you may feel differently.  The key is tapping into your body every now and again (I suggest daily) to get to know the feelings that come up as you make your decisions.  It could help you immensely as you move forward along your path.

Now, I don’t believe in making ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ choices (even though sometimes it feels like there is one or the other).  I believe that every choice we make along our paths is an opportunity for growth, learning, and experience.  Whether you feel you have made the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision, there is always an opportunity for you to move forward and make your dreams a reality.  Always.

But, in order to get there and enjoy it to the best of your ability, you must learn to tap into your intuitive heart and feel your way forward.  And that is why I have created something called Crossroad Coaching.  

Crossroad Coaching is for when you have those moments of uncertainty and you are unsure of which way to go.  You have a decision to make and are having trouble discerning what is best for you, right now.  That is where I come in.  I can help you tap into your intuitive heart and help you work out where the kinks might be, so you can feel good about your decision.  I want you to feel comfortable and confident in the decisions you make and I want you to step boldly into your future with the light, bright, and expansive feeling you have when you know everything is working out exactly as it should.  If you are interested in how Crossroad Coaching works, feel free to contact me and we can chat about your specific situation.

And should you find yourself questioning whether to follow your dreams now or later, take a look at this awesome video from Marie Forleo where she gives some insight to a reader who has a decision to make of her own.

Why “Trying Harder” isn’t the Answer

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I cringe every time I hear the words “try harder”.  For some reason it sends the message that you just aren’t doing enough to make it (whatever it seems to be at the moment) happen.  It also suggests that if you are giving your all, it just isn’t enough.

Ick!  Just writing that makes me cringe.

I am not the kind of coach that is going to tell you to push through the pain and “try harder”.  I won’t tell you to power through or work harder at whatever you are doing. 

Why?

Because honestly, I care more than that and I don’t believe our dreams come true with blood, sweat, and tears (at least it doesn’t have to be that way).

I believe in a better way.

When clients come to me and say they are feeling stuck or in a standstill with the progression of their dreams, I try to tap into what they mean by “stuck”.  Are they stuck on ideas, actions, motivation, clients, or forward movement?  Do they need logistical assistance or is it an internal block we need to address?

Understanding where the glitch lies is paramount in helping them work through it.  Unlike how some sports coaches might tell players to work through the pain and “power through”, I just don’t believe in telling someone to “try harder”. 

I like to actually suggest the opposite.

Instead of pushing and fighting for the next step, what if you were able to take a step back and simple allow it to come to you?  What if you could relax, regroup, and trust that you don’t have to fight, claw, and force the answers to come.  What if right here, right now, you didn’t have to do anything?  What if they could simply flow….

In our society that is a big what if because we aren’t taught that growing up.  In school we are taught that if our grades aren’t high enough or if we aren’t doing well enough in a particular area, then we must try harder.  But what happens when we are giving our all and we still feel blocked?  What then?

Sometimes trying too hard pushes the thing we want to achieve, further away.  By forcing it and trying desperately to make it work, we cut off the flow of inspiration and energy.  We allow the frustration to settle in and when that happens, the fight gets harder.

Take writer’s block for instance.  For those of you who have ever experienced the Achilles heal of writing, you know the harder you try to force your words to flow, the harder it gets.  But, when you are able to step away, change your focus, get some fresh air, and then come back to it, it seems as if the clouds part and the heavenly writing angels sing.  Your thoughts turn into beautiful words that when weaved together create a tapestry of creative-awesomeness. flow

I believe the sweet spot for your dreams to become reality is in your inspiration.  When it feels hard, sticky, frustrating, or like your progress has reached a plateau, the answer is not to try harder. 

The answer lies in letting go of the reins and creating the space for your next step to appear.

How do you do that?  Here are a few things that I find helpful. 

  • Change your focus to something else. 
  • Sing, dance, or listen to music. 
  • Read a good book, go for a run, or do some yoga. 
  • Meditate, have coffee with your friends, or write in your journal. 
  • Laugh, smile, or do something nice for someone else. 
  • Take a hot shower, get a massage, or go for a walk.
  • Enjoy some time in nature, breathe deeply, and remember that all is working out for you.
  • Remember you don’t have to have it all done right this moment, but trust that you will have it done.
  • Enjoy the journey.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the decisions, steps, and plans we have in life, but in the grand scheme of things, the juice is in the journey.  Enjoy it!

You may find that your sticking points are scattered along your path as things grow and evolve, but if you can remember to flow instead of forcing the next step to come, you will not only soon be celebrating your dreams becoming reality, but will also find that you had fun along the way!

Being Here, Instead of There

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I find that I learn life lessons far better through experience as opposed to theory and this past weekend, I found myself learning a life lesson that I have known in theory for many years, but am only now beginning to bring it into my experience by one of the wisest teachers I know….my three year old son.

You see the misconception that many people have about parenting is that the parent is the “know all” to the child.  Parents are supposed to teach all the important life lessons since theoretically we have learned them all ourselves and while that may be true for some things, I find I learn far more from my son, than I have taught him in the last 3 years of his life.  The most recent lesson came yesterday when he absolutely refused to take his nap.  (If you are a parent, you know exactly what I am talking about.)

The lesson he taught me: Be.Here.Now.behere

The struggle began with my preconceived, preplanned expectation of what I wanted to accomplish during nap time yesterday.  I had some work to do and it seemed that nap time was a good time to dig in and get some things done before the big game.  My son had plans of his own.  Mainly to avoid sleep at all costs and to teach Momma a very important lesson about life.

Every time I tried to put my little one down for his nap, he fought me.  Being the parent, I thought I knew what was best for him and could tell that he was in fact tired.  It was my duty to get him down so he could rest his weary head, right?  Maybe.  Upon further reflection today, I realized what I was really trying to do was get him to fall in line with my expectations so I could have a bit of a rest and get some (in my mind very important) things done.

Instead of listening to what he truly needed, I was focused on all the things I needed to do, but wasn’t able to.  I was watching the hours tick by and was planning for the disaster that would occur if he didn’t take his nap.  Cranky kid, cranky Momma, and no work done.  Sadly and selfishly, my thoughts were not on what my son needed from me in that moment, but on what I needed him to do so I could move on with the rest of my schedule.

Thinking about it this morning, I was filled with guilt and the worst kind…Momma-guilt.  The kind that breaks your heart and makes you feel like the worst mother on the planet.  Luckily, I didn’t stay there long before I moved from guilt to curiosity.  What could I learn from this?

Is the lesson that good moms never lose their patience?

Nope.

What I learned is that regardless of what expectations I have set for the day, the week, the month, or the year, shit happens.  Plans don’t work out.  Kids don’t nap.  Cars break down.  It rains. (Though thankfully all that didn’t happen in one day.) And when things don’t go as planned, it’s not only best to just roll with it, it’s imperative.

You see, even with plans and expectations for what I wanted to accomplish yesterday, I could have been fully in the here and now.  And if I was, I would have been better equipped to roll with the punches and find a better way to spend my time.  Instead of thinking about the work I was not doing but desperately needed to do, I could have created some happy memories with my son.

The lesson in all of this is what I have known in theory all along.  Life is lived in the ‘now’.  Not the past or the future.  When we waste our days thinking about what we could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve done or about what has yet to come, we miss the most amazing, magical moments in life.  For me, those moments were with my son.  For you, it might be with your spouse, a friend, or a magical moment that could lead you to the next step of your dream.  And while I would love to say I have mastered this lesson and will always be patient and flow with life, I’m not sure that’s entirely true.

What I do know is that I will be far more mindful of where my thoughts are in the moment.  I will breathe.  I will think, and I will refocus on the present moment, especially when I am with my son.  Because let’s face it, time passes by too quickly and life is too short to worry about work, stress, bills, money, and material things when we have precious children, spouses, friends, pets, family members, etc. around us.

So my question for you is this:  Where are you now?  Here or There???

February Mini-theme: Authentic Connection

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I can hardly believe that we are at the end of January!  Did the month fly by for you as much as it did for me?

How are your 2014 intentions holding up?  This is usually around the time things start to turn south and people begin forgetting the reasons they started in the first place.  Missed goals, frustration, roadblocks, and sometimes just overwhelm can be enough to cause some people to fall back into old habits.  But, I am not going to let you do that.

Tomorrow is a new beginning (as is each day), but it is also a new month.  So, whatever ‘failures'(I hate that word) you feel like you had this month, wipe them clean and start fresh! Re-set yourself and keep moving forward.  Life happens and while we can’t stop it, we can flow with it, so here is your chance to FLOW.

With that said, it might be a good time to set a mini-theme for the month of February.

I was thinking about this a few days ago and decided that since my overall theme of the year is to “Show Up” and I had decided that December and January would be used to do as many introductory coaching sessions as possible (with a mini-theme of Service), it might be nice to set a mini-theme for February.

The purpose of setting a mini-theme is not to add one more thing to your to do list, but instead to help you focus on a specific area for the month.  You may decide you don’t want to change your theme every month and that’s ok.  Do whatever works and feels right for you.

The mini-theme I settled on is Authentic Connection.  Connection can mean so many things, but I want to take this month to really focus on connecting with my readers (you lovely dreamers), my Facebook and Twitter followers and other coaches/writers/blogs etc.  I want to support and connect with people from all over the world in a variety of ways.  This also applies to my ‘real life’ and not just my online life.  I want to chat with people in line at the grocery store and really see and hear people.  I don’t think we do enough of that overall, so that is my focus!

If you want to join me in selecting a theme for the month, I would love to hear what you choose!  Before you decide on a word, take a moment to tap into what you really need for the month.  Maybe it’s self-care, compassion, or kindness.  Maybe love for yourself, your clients, your neighbors, and strangers (February is the month for love).  Whatever you choose make sure it resonates with you and your path.

Feel free to share your mini-theme in the comments below and I would love to have you follow me on Twitter to post updates about your mini-theme.

Have a wonderful weekend and as always, thanks for reading!

End of Year: Weeding Out The Old

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If you have been following my end of year posts, then you know we first began with a bit of reflection on the amazing things we learned and accomplished in 2013.  The next step for me is weeding out the old.

I am a very literal person when it comes to clearing and purging things, so I tend to get a bit overzealous at letting go of material items.  I am terrible at keeping receipts, manuals, and other things that I see as clutter that I might need in the future.  That typically makes this process a lot easier for me each year since I am not hanging onto a ton of stuff I might need in the future.

photo from getridofcluttertoday.com
photo from getridofcluttertoday.com

While I am not sure where this need to clear originated from, I know that it is extremely important for me to start the year with a clean slate.  Both figuratively and literally.  I like my house to be clean, my laundry to be done, new bedding on the bed, and papers, clutter, and old stuff donated and tossed out.  There is something about seeing a clean desk top or a new notebook that gets me all excited to create, write, and imagine new beginnings.

So, with that said, as I write this post a few days early, I am going to be spending much of my days getting rid of old stuff.  You might consider doing the same.  You know that closet that needs to be cleaned out and organized?  The old pictures that need to be put in the album that has been collecting dust all year?  Why not throw on some music, open the shades, and get that stuff done!  There really is no better time than the moment to get those little things that have been sitting around waiting for you to tackle them.  Just dig in and do it now!

What I love about this process more than the actual organization that takes place, is the after effects.  The peace, the ideas, the inspired moments that occur when I am sitting in my newly organized space.  There is something that happens when you clear out a room and let the fresh air and light in.  It makes room for some really great creative energy to take over.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Clear out a closet or two that you have been meaning to get to all year-long
  • Take one box and intend to get rid of 10 items from each room in your house to donate
  • Go through your closet and get rid of old shoes and clothes that were replaced during the holidays
  • If you have children, fill a box with old toys to donate to a shelter
  • Dig into the catch-all room (we all have one) and organize those clothes, books, and the maybe-we will-use-it-one-day-items
  • Go through your filing cabinets and shred old documents you no longer need

This is by no means meant to be an overwhelming task and you don’t have to do everything on the list, but I think you will find that once you get started you will enjoy the feeling you get once you have accomplished a new task.  Have fun with it and just imagine the amazing new energy and creative ideas that will come flooding in once you make the space for it.

Enjoy!