Lamisha Serf-Walls

Raw Reflection

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**Note: This is not something I would normally post on my blog, but in an effort to remain authentic and not give the impression that life is all rainbows and sunshine, I decided to share this.  Some of it has been slightly tweaked from what I originally wrote in an effort to keep some things private. **

I often wonder how many tears a human being can cry before the tears just dry up all together.  I fear (or maybe hope), that I am close to my quota and that one day I will cry no more.  That the tears will not flow as freely as they do now, or better yet that I will have nothing left to cry about.  No more pain to release, no more fear to face, and no more anger to let go of.  Of the millions of tears I have cried in my lifetime, you would think my well would be dry, but it’s not.

Still I cry, sob, and weep for what I wish were different.  For years gone by that I wish I didn’t remember, and other things I wish I did.  For pain that I could understand and leave all together.  I cry for understanding, love, and compassion.  For things I will never receive from the single person that should’ve been there to love me, protect me, and comfort me.  And while my mind knows these things will never come from the source that I have always wished, my heart still aches and breaks for what I will never receive.

Somewhere in life I found comfort in the discomfort.  Safety in the instability.  It is what I knew, what I have always known.  When things feel too stable and the other shoe has yet to drop, I begin rocking my world to the core so it has no choice but to drop, yet my world isn’t the only one that rocks.  I tend to rock those that I care so deeply for, those I love and cherish more than anything.  Maybe it is a way for me to get comfortable again in the chaos, or to recreate the scene with a different outcome. Creating a familiar scene with different players, providing myself once again an opportunity to change the ending.  Maybe I am learning, then again maybe not.  All I know is when I look back at the aftermath of this creation, it doesn’t feel any better than before. The tears still flow, my heart still breaks, as my mind tries to make sense of it all.  Trying desperately to understand how to heal myself and get back to my place of stability.

The things my mind understands don’t always get communicated to my heart and my emotions.  It’s as if they have a life of their own, spinning out of control at times, while other times they lay dormant looking for the right moment to emerge.  My mind understands individuality and the fact that two people deal with things in their own way.  One fights their battle externally, while others fight it internally.  A relationship of opposites, yin and yang, black and white…balance? I’m not so sure. It sometimes feels like being alone on two different islands, close enough to see, but not close enough to reach each other.  Each dealing with her own demons, yet still separated by miles of misunderstanding and confusion. One sitting in solitude with the world on her shoulders never once voicing concern, sadness, or defeat, slowly burying what will have to be released one way or another.  The other very outwardly expressing pain, fear, sadness, and depression as she tries to find the deeper meaning of life.  Looking for peace and acceptance.  Love and compassion. Joy. Wanting nothing more than to fall into the arms of the other, yet feeling so far away.  Blocked by a fortress of protection.

My hope tells me that things will get better, that this too will pass.  It tells me that peace is waiting and that I am making progress.  That I will continue to heal and the tears will become fewer. It tells me that the connection I so deeply want and need will come back and I will be much stronger than before.  That this is part of my journey and love will prevail. It tells me that if something isn’t growing then it is dying out and sometimes there are growing pains and this is but one growth spurt.  That on the other side of this moment of confusion will be clarity.  A clearer understanding of life and compassion for my journey.  That I will be stronger and more connected because of this moment and all the moments before.  That I will not only survive whatever this is, but I will thrive.

Yet in midst of the tears, fear, anxiety, and confusion I find I have more than just hope, I have faith.

The Bright Side of the Flu

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If I thought last week was a bunch of mayhem, I clearly had no idea what was in store for this weekend.  Let’s just say, life has a way of telling you to slow down and let go.

This weekend was spent taking care of my sick son, which involved sleepless nights and a trip to the ER.  Luckily it was nothing but a bit from the flu bug.  A flu bug that was very effective and efficient at taking down myself and my partner in the process.  Two sick adults tending to a sick child is enough to make for a bad comedy, or a good one depending on your sense of humor.  And since I am prone to seeing the silver lining and the bright side to every situation here is what I learned the last few days:

  • With less than 4 hours of sleep and a cranky toddler, coffee can give me enough energy to make it through the day but only one day
  • Sometimes no matter how urgent I believe certain tasks are, the truth is nothing is more important than our health
  • Rest is a must, with or without illness
  • Parents working together (even while sick) are much better than one parent trying to do it all
  • Juggling 2 doctors visits, a sick toddler, a visit to the pharmacy, and trying to rest is a recipe for disaster OR strength, in my case we proved not only how well we work together, but how strong we are even when we are under the weather
  • The flu-shot might be a very good idea for next year 🙂

While the last few days have hardly been a walk in the park and my list of to-do’s have more or less gone out the window, I am realizing that life happens all the time and I don’t have to control everything.  We get sick, we get better, but the main thing is that we will be ok, no matter what and there is nothing better than realizing that.

As we continue to mend and get healthier by the day, I am reminded just how lucky we truly are to have the insurance, benefits, medication, and mutual support for each other and our family and for that I am grateful.  May this week be more normal for all of us, but if it isn’t and the mayhem continues through the end of the year, I know we will not only survive, but we will thrive!

Success Redefined

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I have made it just past a month since starting this blog (woohoo!) and I am very proud.  Not only have I stuck with my writing every week day, but I have also managed to keep my creativity flowing and I have found that I am never lacking in material or ideas.  Success!!

Or is it?

When I started using WordPress as a platform for my blog, I was (and still am) very excited about how easy it is to use.  For a newbie like myself it was easy to set up and start blogging, and while there are still many things to learn, I feel confident with what I post each day.  In addition to the easy set up, I found (rather quickly) there is some great statistical information you can get in one click of your mouse.  Information about how many people viewed your posted, what country they are from, the number of “likes” for each post, and how many followers you have.  And being the numbers gal that I am, sometimes I find myself obsessing about the numbers.  How many views do I have today?  How many “likes” do I have?  Any new followers?

Crazy right?

I know I just started this magnificently creative, and courageous journey and though I keep telling myself that “every new blog takes time to grow”, I feel a little disappointed in the numbers.  If one of my posts doesn’t have many likes or views, I am starting to wonder about my content.  Is it boring?  Did I post too late or too early?  Should I have certain topics on certain days? Questions that are taking my focus away from my flow of creativity and joy in my writing.  And since I started this blog for two reasons, (to inspire, empower, and motivate others to achieve their dreams as well as to have a creative outlet for my thoughts), I realized that getting the most likes or followers on my blog is not as important and should not be my main focus.

Easy to say, not as easy to do.

So I am redefining success as it pertains to my blog.  Creating a blog and sticking with it was one of my dreams and here I am blogging about it.  I am enjoying the creativity, thoughts, and muses that come about in my daily life because of my blog and am happy to share with others in hopes that as they venture towards their goals, they will know that they are not alone in their journey.  I am enjoying the journey, the connection with other bloggers, and my own space to share my thoughts, visions, words, etc.  I’d say that is a success, a mini success maybe, but a success none the less.  And as my blog continues to grow (and it will), my definition of success may also change.  One day, I might set a goal for a certain number of followers/likes/blog awards etc., but I’m not there yet.  As for today, I am enjoying the process of creating something that matters to me.  And while I will still check out the numbers and statistics (because I’m curious), I will not allow my confidence to waver if I don’t have as much traffic, or “likes”, because while they are great, they are not the reason I am on this journey.  Those things do not define me as a blogger, writer, creator or person, but in time as I continue to make progress in my writing and blogging, those things will grow naturally.  It just takes time and patience. 

That is the great thing about goals.  When you create your dreams or goals, you get to decide what is successful and what isn’t.  For instance, if you are looking to lose a certain amount of weight, you are bound to have a bunch of little successes along the way and it is important to celebrate them as you go.  It builds the momentum and positive energy you will need to stay the course and reach your ultimate goal.  Same thing goes for any goal really.  If you are starting a business, celebrate when you decide on the name of that business.  Celebrate when you find the space for that business.  Celebrate when you have 2 clients, or when you have 10.

The main thing to remember is to celebrate the journey because it is there that you will find many little successes that once built upon, create the life you once dreamt.

Think about it.  How do you define success as it pertains to your most current dream?  I would love to know.

The other side of Rejection

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As a writer much of the writing process revolves around getting your writing published and in order to get accepted, you usually have to go through a lot of rejection.  And while some people can take the rejection in stride as they move onto their next project, I am still learning to look on the bright side.

Today I received an email stating several of my pieces that were under review for possible greeting cards had been rejected.  This isn’t the first time I have received a rejection, and while I am generally a little disappointed, I am usually able to move onward and upward.  Today was a little different.

Over the last few weeks I have been feeling like good news was just around the corner.  I just knew the next time I heard from the greeting card company, that I would be getting several pieces published.  I even had a number in my head of how many I felt were going to be published and a vivid picture of the check I would receive.  Imagine my disappointment when instead of getting a check in the mail, I got a rejection via email.

I was slightly stunned.  I really felt with all of my being that I was going to end this year on a really high note with my writing.  I could just feel it.  I knew that something big was going to happen and since I didn’t have anything else currently in the works (writing wise), this had to be it. Right?  Surprised, disappointed, and feeling a little rejected, I retreated to my office to update my list of pending poems.  It was there I realized I had a choice to make.

I could either wallow in my disappointment, trying to figure out what was “wrong” with my poems, or I could choose to look at the bright side.

I decided to find something positive to focus on, so instead of focusing on the 5 poems that were just rejected, I decided to look at the ones I have still in the process.  I counted almost 75 poems still being considered and of those 75, about 10 are in the final review process and are one step closer to being published.  That is truly something to celebrate.  I also realized while I could choose to take these “rejections” personally, the truth is it’s really not personal and if I have any hope of publishing an article, or book one day, I have to develop a thicker skin.  The business side of writing is not for the weak at heart, and the easier it is for me to take the rejections now, the better I will be down the line.

So where does that leave my gut feeling that something good is waiting just around the corner?  It’s a little bit shaken, but still there.  I still have high hopes of ending this year on a good note with my writing and I have 2 months for that to happen, but if it doesn’t, I will choose to see the good in the situation, just as I did today.

The moral of this story is this: Dreams are magical and perfect creations in our imagination and as they begin to manifest in our reality, it may not always go as planned, but there will always be a choice to see the good in the situation.  And if you make the choice to give up on your dream because of the challenges you face, it probably wasn’t your true passion to begin with.

 

Ease Into It

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The other day I set an intention to get my fitness and meditation practices back on track, and yesterday was my first day back.  I was happy to find nice weather outside as I began my extended walk/jog on my lunch break and that optimistic feeling might have caused me to over-estimate my current fitness level.

As I began I warmed up a bit by walking and with the sun shining down on me boy was I feeling good. I felt so good that I broke out into a jog, thinking I could at least jog half of the total distance.  I was wrong.  I found very quickly that I am much more out of shape than I thought and realized I should probably walk before I run.  And as you may already know  patience is not my forte, and sometimes I have a difficult time easing into things.  As I huffed and puffed, I decided to listen to my body and walk the remainder of the distance, but instead of berating myself and judging my lack of progress, I used it as an opportunity to really enjoy my surroundings.  It turned out to be a very lovely walk, leaving me feeling energetic and focused for the rest of my day, a sure sign that exercise and fresh air does wonders for the mind and body.  I also realized that had I not listened to my body, I would have felt very differently about my new fitness regime and over the course of the day I kept thinking…you have to ease into it.

That thought stuck with me because while it applies to my health and fitness plans, it also relates to my dreams as well.  I often find myself passionate and excited about a new project or idea and I want to dive in head first and I have found that if I do the unfortunate result is burn out.  (My two previous attempts at blogging is a great example.)  And while my passion and drive may never cease (at least I hope it doesn’t), I am reminded that in order for my dreams and goals to last, I have to ease into them.

What does that mean?

In regards to my life coaching career it means allowing myself the space to learn along the way, to plan for unforeseen challenges, and enjoy the ride.  There’s a concept I often forget…enjoying the ride.  I have often been so focused (and frustrated) on getting there, that I have found myself dismissing my little victories along the way and forgetting that the journey is really the best part.  And though I will be extremely proud, excited, and feeling over the moon once my business really takes off, I will feel that way because of all the things I did to get there.  The planning, writing, saving, creating, and all the other wonderful things that go into building a business are all things I want to truly experience and if I were to jump in head first, I might miss everything it takes to get there.

I don’t want to miss that.

I want to take it one step at a time (did I just say that?) in order to not only do it the right way, but the right way for me.  It may not be the way everyone else would do it, but then again I am not everyone else.  I am me.  I am passionate about helping people.  I am creative and I am absolutely in love with the idea of helping people achieve their own dreams and as I learn what it takes to achieve mine, I will be that much better at helping someone else.  Those are the things that excite me and allow me to take a step back and say “I will do this”.

So I have decided that while my passion is what fuels my ideas, creations, and my life, it’s something I want to last and so I will be patient.  I will enjoy the journey as it unfolds, be present in each experience, and keep my vision alive, both for my dream of being a life coach, and my intention of getting my health back on track.  But above all else, I am learning more and more, that life is a wonderful journey, and if you can’t enjoy the journey, the destination won’t mean all that much anyways.