Lamisha Serf-Walls

Raw Reflection

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**Note: This is not something I would normally post on my blog, but in an effort to remain authentic and not give the impression that life is all rainbows and sunshine, I decided to share this.  Some of it has been slightly tweaked from what I originally wrote in an effort to keep some things private. **

I often wonder how many tears a human being can cry before the tears just dry up all together.  I fear (or maybe hope), that I am close to my quota and that one day I will cry no more.  That the tears will not flow as freely as they do now, or better yet that I will have nothing left to cry about.  No more pain to release, no more fear to face, and no more anger to let go of.  Of the millions of tears I have cried in my lifetime, you would think my well would be dry, but it’s not.

Still I cry, sob, and weep for what I wish were different.  For years gone by that I wish I didn’t remember, and other things I wish I did.  For pain that I could understand and leave all together.  I cry for understanding, love, and compassion.  For things I will never receive from the single person that should’ve been there to love me, protect me, and comfort me.  And while my mind knows these things will never come from the source that I have always wished, my heart still aches and breaks for what I will never receive.

Somewhere in life I found comfort in the discomfort.  Safety in the instability.  It is what I knew, what I have always known.  When things feel too stable and the other shoe has yet to drop, I begin rocking my world to the core so it has no choice but to drop, yet my world isn’t the only one that rocks.  I tend to rock those that I care so deeply for, those I love and cherish more than anything.  Maybe it is a way for me to get comfortable again in the chaos, or to recreate the scene with a different outcome. Creating a familiar scene with different players, providing myself once again an opportunity to change the ending.  Maybe I am learning, then again maybe not.  All I know is when I look back at the aftermath of this creation, it doesn’t feel any better than before. The tears still flow, my heart still breaks, as my mind tries to make sense of it all.  Trying desperately to understand how to heal myself and get back to my place of stability.

The things my mind understands don’t always get communicated to my heart and my emotions.  It’s as if they have a life of their own, spinning out of control at times, while other times they lay dormant looking for the right moment to emerge.  My mind understands individuality and the fact that two people deal with things in their own way.  One fights their battle externally, while others fight it internally.  A relationship of opposites, yin and yang, black and white…balance? I’m not so sure. It sometimes feels like being alone on two different islands, close enough to see, but not close enough to reach each other.  Each dealing with her own demons, yet still separated by miles of misunderstanding and confusion. One sitting in solitude with the world on her shoulders never once voicing concern, sadness, or defeat, slowly burying what will have to be released one way or another.  The other very outwardly expressing pain, fear, sadness, and depression as she tries to find the deeper meaning of life.  Looking for peace and acceptance.  Love and compassion. Joy. Wanting nothing more than to fall into the arms of the other, yet feeling so far away.  Blocked by a fortress of protection.

My hope tells me that things will get better, that this too will pass.  It tells me that peace is waiting and that I am making progress.  That I will continue to heal and the tears will become fewer. It tells me that the connection I so deeply want and need will come back and I will be much stronger than before.  That this is part of my journey and love will prevail. It tells me that if something isn’t growing then it is dying out and sometimes there are growing pains and this is but one growth spurt.  That on the other side of this moment of confusion will be clarity.  A clearer understanding of life and compassion for my journey.  That I will be stronger and more connected because of this moment and all the moments before.  That I will not only survive whatever this is, but I will thrive.

Yet in midst of the tears, fear, anxiety, and confusion I find I have more than just hope, I have faith.

Remembering Self-Care

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I have said before that when I see, hear, or read the same message or theme in life, I tend to take notice.  It has happened again and this time the topic is self-care.  I have read many posts over the last few weeks about people trying to get back to taking care of themselves in the midst of the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  I can certainly relate to this, though I thought I had somewhat of a handle on it.

I was wrong.

I have found over the past week or so that I am taking much less time for me, and doing many other things that while they need to be done, (i.e. work, house chores, appointments, etc.), sometimes something just has to give.  There are only 24 hours in a day and while I could fill every bit of those hours being “productive”, the reality of the matter is I probably wouldn’t be all that productive without a bit of self-care added to the mix.

What is self-care?

I guess it depends on the person.  For me it is rest, relaxation, meditation, exercise, reading, writing, and just some general down time.  It also involves spending some time in nature either exercising, or just being outside (one of my favorite things to do).  Lately all of that has taken a back seat to work, getting caught up on things around the house, and other projects that I see daily that need to be done.  I know that I am far more stressed when I skip out on my self-care, but sometimes I get caught in this rut of being on the go, go, go, that I forget that if I don’t take the much-needed downtime then I won’t be go, go, going anywhere.

Point taken.

A dear friend of mine reminded me today that even squeezing a little bit of down time into my schedule could help me immensely.  She was right (as she is almost always).  So I am setting a new intention of doing at least one self-care item for myself each day.  This may involve a bubble bath, a long walk, extended meditation, or simply reading for 30 minutes, but I will fit it in.  Besides in the end the work, laundry, and my long list of to-do’s will be there when I am finished and I know I will come back feeling refreshed, and ready to focus.  In fact I know this to be true, because I tried it out already today.

I decided to take a 10 minute walk.  It wasn’t long and not enough to get my heart rate up, but just enough to get my blood pressure down (I’m assuming, I didn’t actually measure it), by being out in nature and enjoying some fresh air.  Combine the fresh air, a little walking, and the beauty of the clear skies and I am feeling like a new woman, so much that it makes me wonder why I let my self-care go for so long?  I guess the reason doesn’t matter because none of the reasons I can come up with will be good enough to let my health, (both mental and physical) suffer.

So there you have it.  As my work schedule gets a little more crazed I am going to make sure I work in those moments of self-care to ensure that I am not only taking time for me, but also not neglecting the people who mean the world to me (my son and partner).  Because let’s face it, life without joy and family, is not a life well-lived.

 

 

One of Those Moments

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I had one of those moments today,where my entire attention was drawn to a beautiful part of nature that many often miss or overlook.  I was in the kitchen and caught a glimpse of the sky outside the back door.  It was the most beautiful sky I had ever seen and while I wanted to capture it to look back at later, I knew no picture could encompass the beauty that I was looking at in that moment.

 

Instead of running for my camera, I walked outside to absorb as much of the beauty as I could.  I stared at the sky in awe and in deep gratitude for such an amazing show of colors.  Bright pinks, oranges, and lilacs graced the sky and I felt time stop.  In that moment I was in a trance, experiencing the moment for all that it was.  Not moving, not thinking, not worrying…simply being.

As the sun continued to descend and the colors began to fade, I realized I am becoming much more aware of these moments with each passing day.  Moments that stop me in my tracks and allow me to take a reprieve from my thoughts and just be.  In these moments I am fully awakened to what is before me, allowing all thought and worry to disappear if just for that moment.  And when that moment comes to an end, I am filled with a deep sense gratitude for the experience.

I am noticing these moments much more than I did before, and it gives me hope that I will soon be able to just be in every moment no matter what the moment brings and that brings joy to my soul.