Lamisha Serf-Walls

Why “Trying Harder” isn’t the Answer

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I cringe every time I hear the words “try harder”.  For some reason it sends the message that you just aren’t doing enough to make it (whatever it seems to be at the moment) happen.  It also suggests that if you are giving your all, it just isn’t enough.

Ick!  Just writing that makes me cringe.

I am not the kind of coach that is going to tell you to push through the pain and “try harder”.  I won’t tell you to power through or work harder at whatever you are doing. 

Why?

Because honestly, I care more than that and I don’t believe our dreams come true with blood, sweat, and tears (at least it doesn’t have to be that way).

I believe in a better way.

When clients come to me and say they are feeling stuck or in a standstill with the progression of their dreams, I try to tap into what they mean by “stuck”.  Are they stuck on ideas, actions, motivation, clients, or forward movement?  Do they need logistical assistance or is it an internal block we need to address?

Understanding where the glitch lies is paramount in helping them work through it.  Unlike how some sports coaches might tell players to work through the pain and “power through”, I just don’t believe in telling someone to “try harder”. 

I like to actually suggest the opposite.

Instead of pushing and fighting for the next step, what if you were able to take a step back and simple allow it to come to you?  What if you could relax, regroup, and trust that you don’t have to fight, claw, and force the answers to come.  What if right here, right now, you didn’t have to do anything?  What if they could simply flow….

In our society that is a big what if because we aren’t taught that growing up.  In school we are taught that if our grades aren’t high enough or if we aren’t doing well enough in a particular area, then we must try harder.  But what happens when we are giving our all and we still feel blocked?  What then?

Sometimes trying too hard pushes the thing we want to achieve, further away.  By forcing it and trying desperately to make it work, we cut off the flow of inspiration and energy.  We allow the frustration to settle in and when that happens, the fight gets harder.

Take writer’s block for instance.  For those of you who have ever experienced the Achilles heal of writing, you know the harder you try to force your words to flow, the harder it gets.  But, when you are able to step away, change your focus, get some fresh air, and then come back to it, it seems as if the clouds part and the heavenly writing angels sing.  Your thoughts turn into beautiful words that when weaved together create a tapestry of creative-awesomeness. flow

I believe the sweet spot for your dreams to become reality is in your inspiration.  When it feels hard, sticky, frustrating, or like your progress has reached a plateau, the answer is not to try harder. 

The answer lies in letting go of the reins and creating the space for your next step to appear.

How do you do that?  Here are a few things that I find helpful. 

  • Change your focus to something else. 
  • Sing, dance, or listen to music. 
  • Read a good book, go for a run, or do some yoga. 
  • Meditate, have coffee with your friends, or write in your journal. 
  • Laugh, smile, or do something nice for someone else. 
  • Take a hot shower, get a massage, or go for a walk.
  • Enjoy some time in nature, breathe deeply, and remember that all is working out for you.
  • Remember you don’t have to have it all done right this moment, but trust that you will have it done.
  • Enjoy the journey.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the decisions, steps, and plans we have in life, but in the grand scheme of things, the juice is in the journey.  Enjoy it!

You may find that your sticking points are scattered along your path as things grow and evolve, but if you can remember to flow instead of forcing the next step to come, you will not only soon be celebrating your dreams becoming reality, but will also find that you had fun along the way!

The Big, Ugly, Green-Eyed Monster

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We have all had this experience at one time or another right?  You have an amazing dream, you work hard for it, you have a passion that runs deep, yet you keep running up against brick walls and speed bumps.  And then as you open your Facebook page to drown your sorrows in some mindless news feed scrolling, you see the amazing things everyone else is doing. (What?!)

You see business posts about how someone just made a bajillion dollars within their very first day of launching a new program.  Someone else just had a baby and is now rockin’ a beach body with 6-pack abs and don’t get me started on the other people taking amazing vacations, getting job promotions, and landing free tickets to their favorite show.  All the while you feel like pulling your hair out because you can’t get your website to look right, your clients won’t call you back, and your dog just puked on the rug.  (Insert a string of expletives here.)

You wonder how it can be so easy for everyone else and not for you.  You question what you are doing wrong and as shallow as it might sound, you want what they have…and you want it yesterday!

Can I tell you a secret?envy

You are not alone.  Everyone has had their own experience with the big, ugly, green-eyed monster, especially when things feel like they are taking a turn for the worst. I’ve been there and the reason I am writing this post now, is because I found my own green-eyed monster poking it’s ugly head out a bit recently and I don’t like it.

Step one in dealing with the monster is recognizing it.  Step two is realizing that everyone has their own version and you are not alone.  Step three, dismantle it.

But how?

I think we all know that the face we put on Facebook and other social media platforms isn’t always 100% accurate right?  I mean, sure people post their best statuses and best pictures during times when things are going well, but that doesn’t accurately depict what is really going on in their lives.  And even if their lives are all shiny diamonds and gorgeous rainbows, there really is no reason to compare.

Take your big dream for example.  It’s YOURS.  It’s unique, exciting, and dipped in all your amazing-ness because it is your dream, not someone elses.  Their path to success isn’t going to be the same for you and let’s be honest, how they define success might not be the same either.  For one person success is being able to live a minimalist lifestyle with their family at home while another is being able to travel the world on a whim.  Your dreams, your goals, your success, are all yours.  You get to dictate what it looks like, how it feels, and what that means to you.

That sounds all fine and good but when it feels like things are going nowhere and your dreams have grown stagnant, their lives sound really good.  So what about that?

In my own experience (just this past week), I have had to identify where the green-eyed monster was coming from.  Is it really about what they have or is it a lack that you feel regardless of the comparison?  Is it because they are so much further than you or are you worrying about something that has yet to come?

Understanding the core issue to envy is key, but it can be hard to pinpoint especially when you are in the throes of it.  Here are a few things to remember when dealing with your own big, ugly, green-eyed monster:

  • “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt – This is by far one of my favorite quotes because it is so true.  We don’t know much about what other people have going on or what it took for them to get to where they are today.  It isn’t fair to you and your dreams to compare your progress, journey, or pain point to someone else.  Be easy with yourself and trust that things are working out exactly as they should.
  • Bring yourself back to this moment.- Every time we focus on a future (or past) moment in time, we are not allowing ourselves to truly be in this moment.  Envy is the same.  When we are looking at what others have and we don’t or when we are wishing, wanting, and desiring to be anywhere other than where we are, there is opportunity for a disconnect.  But, when we are in this moment and can accept it just as it is, then there is no comparison or room for envy.
  • Trust– A big part of making your dreams become a reality comes down to trust.  Trusting your intuition, your gift, and your path and reminding yourself that you will have all the things you need to make your dreams come true in due time.  There may be lessons to learn, people to meet, or opportunities to accept that will lead you to the very next step and being envious how it worked out for someone else is a waste of energy.  Trust the process.
  • Celebrate the success of others– I understand sometimes the last thing you want to do is celebrate the success of another especially when you are struggling with your own dreams, but what if seeing the success of others is somehow letting you know that not only is success possible, but that yours is on the horizon.  What if that could provide a bit of inspiration instead of envy for you to keep going?  Wouldn’t that be something?  Instead of wallowing in the world of envy, you could be congratulating and celebrating with others as you trust that your own success will come when the time is right.

We have all experienced our own version of the green-eyed monster, so if you find yourself feeling a bit envious, just be easy with yourself.  Your time will come and your journey will be amazing, in its own way.  For now, just relax, regroup, trust the process, and remember why your dream is so important to begin with.  And if all else fails, stay off of social media sites, chances are you could use a little unplugged time anyways.

**February is the month for love or it could be your month to get started on your big dreams.  Sign up for my newsletter to be added to my VIP list so you are the first to find out about free calls and new group coaching I will be launching very soon.  And if you have been thinking about leaping into the life of your dreams and want some help on your journey, contact me to schedule a consultation.  I would love to find out more about how I can help you make 2014 your best year yet!**

Being Here, Instead of There

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I find that I learn life lessons far better through experience as opposed to theory and this past weekend, I found myself learning a life lesson that I have known in theory for many years, but am only now beginning to bring it into my experience by one of the wisest teachers I know….my three year old son.

You see the misconception that many people have about parenting is that the parent is the “know all” to the child.  Parents are supposed to teach all the important life lessons since theoretically we have learned them all ourselves and while that may be true for some things, I find I learn far more from my son, than I have taught him in the last 3 years of his life.  The most recent lesson came yesterday when he absolutely refused to take his nap.  (If you are a parent, you know exactly what I am talking about.)

The lesson he taught me: Be.Here.Now.behere

The struggle began with my preconceived, preplanned expectation of what I wanted to accomplish during nap time yesterday.  I had some work to do and it seemed that nap time was a good time to dig in and get some things done before the big game.  My son had plans of his own.  Mainly to avoid sleep at all costs and to teach Momma a very important lesson about life.

Every time I tried to put my little one down for his nap, he fought me.  Being the parent, I thought I knew what was best for him and could tell that he was in fact tired.  It was my duty to get him down so he could rest his weary head, right?  Maybe.  Upon further reflection today, I realized what I was really trying to do was get him to fall in line with my expectations so I could have a bit of a rest and get some (in my mind very important) things done.

Instead of listening to what he truly needed, I was focused on all the things I needed to do, but wasn’t able to.  I was watching the hours tick by and was planning for the disaster that would occur if he didn’t take his nap.  Cranky kid, cranky Momma, and no work done.  Sadly and selfishly, my thoughts were not on what my son needed from me in that moment, but on what I needed him to do so I could move on with the rest of my schedule.

Thinking about it this morning, I was filled with guilt and the worst kind…Momma-guilt.  The kind that breaks your heart and makes you feel like the worst mother on the planet.  Luckily, I didn’t stay there long before I moved from guilt to curiosity.  What could I learn from this?

Is the lesson that good moms never lose their patience?

Nope.

What I learned is that regardless of what expectations I have set for the day, the week, the month, or the year, shit happens.  Plans don’t work out.  Kids don’t nap.  Cars break down.  It rains. (Though thankfully all that didn’t happen in one day.) And when things don’t go as planned, it’s not only best to just roll with it, it’s imperative.

You see, even with plans and expectations for what I wanted to accomplish yesterday, I could have been fully in the here and now.  And if I was, I would have been better equipped to roll with the punches and find a better way to spend my time.  Instead of thinking about the work I was not doing but desperately needed to do, I could have created some happy memories with my son.

The lesson in all of this is what I have known in theory all along.  Life is lived in the ‘now’.  Not the past or the future.  When we waste our days thinking about what we could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve done or about what has yet to come, we miss the most amazing, magical moments in life.  For me, those moments were with my son.  For you, it might be with your spouse, a friend, or a magical moment that could lead you to the next step of your dream.  And while I would love to say I have mastered this lesson and will always be patient and flow with life, I’m not sure that’s entirely true.

What I do know is that I will be far more mindful of where my thoughts are in the moment.  I will breathe.  I will think, and I will refocus on the present moment, especially when I am with my son.  Because let’s face it, time passes by too quickly and life is too short to worry about work, stress, bills, money, and material things when we have precious children, spouses, friends, pets, family members, etc. around us.

So my question for you is this:  Where are you now?  Here or There???

February Mini-theme: Authentic Connection

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I can hardly believe that we are at the end of January!  Did the month fly by for you as much as it did for me?

How are your 2014 intentions holding up?  This is usually around the time things start to turn south and people begin forgetting the reasons they started in the first place.  Missed goals, frustration, roadblocks, and sometimes just overwhelm can be enough to cause some people to fall back into old habits.  But, I am not going to let you do that.

Tomorrow is a new beginning (as is each day), but it is also a new month.  So, whatever ‘failures'(I hate that word) you feel like you had this month, wipe them clean and start fresh! Re-set yourself and keep moving forward.  Life happens and while we can’t stop it, we can flow with it, so here is your chance to FLOW.

With that said, it might be a good time to set a mini-theme for the month of February.

I was thinking about this a few days ago and decided that since my overall theme of the year is to “Show Up” and I had decided that December and January would be used to do as many introductory coaching sessions as possible (with a mini-theme of Service), it might be nice to set a mini-theme for February.

The purpose of setting a mini-theme is not to add one more thing to your to do list, but instead to help you focus on a specific area for the month.  You may decide you don’t want to change your theme every month and that’s ok.  Do whatever works and feels right for you.

The mini-theme I settled on is Authentic Connection.  Connection can mean so many things, but I want to take this month to really focus on connecting with my readers (you lovely dreamers), my Facebook and Twitter followers and other coaches/writers/blogs etc.  I want to support and connect with people from all over the world in a variety of ways.  This also applies to my ‘real life’ and not just my online life.  I want to chat with people in line at the grocery store and really see and hear people.  I don’t think we do enough of that overall, so that is my focus!

If you want to join me in selecting a theme for the month, I would love to hear what you choose!  Before you decide on a word, take a moment to tap into what you really need for the month.  Maybe it’s self-care, compassion, or kindness.  Maybe love for yourself, your clients, your neighbors, and strangers (February is the month for love).  Whatever you choose make sure it resonates with you and your path.

Feel free to share your mini-theme in the comments below and I would love to have you follow me on Twitter to post updates about your mini-theme.

Have a wonderful weekend and as always, thanks for reading!