Lamisha Serf-Walls

Raw Reflection

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**Note: This is not something I would normally post on my blog, but in an effort to remain authentic and not give the impression that life is all rainbows and sunshine, I decided to share this.  Some of it has been slightly tweaked from what I originally wrote in an effort to keep some things private. **

I often wonder how many tears a human being can cry before the tears just dry up all together.  I fear (or maybe hope), that I am close to my quota and that one day I will cry no more.  That the tears will not flow as freely as they do now, or better yet that I will have nothing left to cry about.  No more pain to release, no more fear to face, and no more anger to let go of.  Of the millions of tears I have cried in my lifetime, you would think my well would be dry, but it’s not.

Still I cry, sob, and weep for what I wish were different.  For years gone by that I wish I didn’t remember, and other things I wish I did.  For pain that I could understand and leave all together.  I cry for understanding, love, and compassion.  For things I will never receive from the single person that should’ve been there to love me, protect me, and comfort me.  And while my mind knows these things will never come from the source that I have always wished, my heart still aches and breaks for what I will never receive.

Somewhere in life I found comfort in the discomfort.  Safety in the instability.  It is what I knew, what I have always known.  When things feel too stable and the other shoe has yet to drop, I begin rocking my world to the core so it has no choice but to drop, yet my world isn’t the only one that rocks.  I tend to rock those that I care so deeply for, those I love and cherish more than anything.  Maybe it is a way for me to get comfortable again in the chaos, or to recreate the scene with a different outcome. Creating a familiar scene with different players, providing myself once again an opportunity to change the ending.  Maybe I am learning, then again maybe not.  All I know is when I look back at the aftermath of this creation, it doesn’t feel any better than before. The tears still flow, my heart still breaks, as my mind tries to make sense of it all.  Trying desperately to understand how to heal myself and get back to my place of stability.

The things my mind understands don’t always get communicated to my heart and my emotions.  It’s as if they have a life of their own, spinning out of control at times, while other times they lay dormant looking for the right moment to emerge.  My mind understands individuality and the fact that two people deal with things in their own way.  One fights their battle externally, while others fight it internally.  A relationship of opposites, yin and yang, black and white…balance? I’m not so sure. It sometimes feels like being alone on two different islands, close enough to see, but not close enough to reach each other.  Each dealing with her own demons, yet still separated by miles of misunderstanding and confusion. One sitting in solitude with the world on her shoulders never once voicing concern, sadness, or defeat, slowly burying what will have to be released one way or another.  The other very outwardly expressing pain, fear, sadness, and depression as she tries to find the deeper meaning of life.  Looking for peace and acceptance.  Love and compassion. Joy. Wanting nothing more than to fall into the arms of the other, yet feeling so far away.  Blocked by a fortress of protection.

My hope tells me that things will get better, that this too will pass.  It tells me that peace is waiting and that I am making progress.  That I will continue to heal and the tears will become fewer. It tells me that the connection I so deeply want and need will come back and I will be much stronger than before.  That this is part of my journey and love will prevail. It tells me that if something isn’t growing then it is dying out and sometimes there are growing pains and this is but one growth spurt.  That on the other side of this moment of confusion will be clarity.  A clearer understanding of life and compassion for my journey.  That I will be stronger and more connected because of this moment and all the moments before.  That I will not only survive whatever this is, but I will thrive.

Yet in midst of the tears, fear, anxiety, and confusion I find I have more than just hope, I have faith.

The Bright Side of the Flu

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If I thought last week was a bunch of mayhem, I clearly had no idea what was in store for this weekend.  Let’s just say, life has a way of telling you to slow down and let go.

This weekend was spent taking care of my sick son, which involved sleepless nights and a trip to the ER.  Luckily it was nothing but a bit from the flu bug.  A flu bug that was very effective and efficient at taking down myself and my partner in the process.  Two sick adults tending to a sick child is enough to make for a bad comedy, or a good one depending on your sense of humor.  And since I am prone to seeing the silver lining and the bright side to every situation here is what I learned the last few days:

  • With less than 4 hours of sleep and a cranky toddler, coffee can give me enough energy to make it through the day but only one day
  • Sometimes no matter how urgent I believe certain tasks are, the truth is nothing is more important than our health
  • Rest is a must, with or without illness
  • Parents working together (even while sick) are much better than one parent trying to do it all
  • Juggling 2 doctors visits, a sick toddler, a visit to the pharmacy, and trying to rest is a recipe for disaster OR strength, in my case we proved not only how well we work together, but how strong we are even when we are under the weather
  • The flu-shot might be a very good idea for next year 🙂

While the last few days have hardly been a walk in the park and my list of to-do’s have more or less gone out the window, I am realizing that life happens all the time and I don’t have to control everything.  We get sick, we get better, but the main thing is that we will be ok, no matter what and there is nothing better than realizing that.

As we continue to mend and get healthier by the day, I am reminded just how lucky we truly are to have the insurance, benefits, medication, and mutual support for each other and our family and for that I am grateful.  May this week be more normal for all of us, but if it isn’t and the mayhem continues through the end of the year, I know we will not only survive, but we will thrive!

Gratitude: Magic & Mayhem

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This week has been a bit crazy and it seems that it may continue for a few weeks, so when deciding what to write about in today’s post it took me a little bit to decide on my two items.  After some reflection on the week and looking forward to the weekend, finally decided on magic and mayhem

There is always a lot of hustle and bustle around the holidays for my family.  Since we live so far away, we have to plan our shopping early and make sure to wrap and package our gifts to get them mailed off in time.  At the moment my living room looks like Santa’s workshop exploded with the many gifts, and piles of items to be mailed.  With that said I was reminded of the magical essence this time of year brings with the decorations, sweet-smelling treats, and the tale of Santa and his reindeer delivering wonderful things to families around the world.  I am reminded of the general good-will feeling that comes with the holidays and for that I am grateful.  I am grateful to be able to share in the magic with my son as his imagination grows especially during this time of year.  In spite of all the manic hustle and bustle that has gone on this week, I am comforted by the magic.

In addition to magic, I am surprisingly grateful for the mayhem that has taken place the last few days.  Without it, I wouldn’t learn lessons of patience and faith.  Without it, I might miss the appreciation and peace that comes when the mayhem has subsided.  In a weird, twisted, maybe confusing way, I am blessed by the mayhem because it keeps me on my toes and makes me stronger for next time.

May you all find a little bit of magic in the midst of whatever mayhem you maybe experiencing, but most of all enjoy your weekend.

Not My Best

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This week has certainly been a doozy, with much to do at work and home, both leaving me virtually brain-dead at the end of the day.  I must say that I have not been in the best of moods and have found that I have been much more negative than usual.  Everyday annoyances are getting to me and I am presented with so many changes at once I’m afraid I am not at my best.

I considered not posting until I was feeling more positive, but I decided that if I am going to be authentic with my writing and share my journey with you, I can’t just share the good stuff.  Life ebbs and flows and as I move through it constantly learning and growing, there are bound to be down moments.

This is but one.

This week I have been hit with many changes in my work responsibilities (including more work to do), my work schedule, and new opportunities for my writing.  As a person that isn’t best friends with change (especially a lot of change at once), you can imagine the discomfort that I might be feeling.  It’s nothing I can’t handle and I am sure I will find a new flow and routine, but right now it’s all a bit much.  Somehow accepting that fact makes dealing with it a little bit better.

Instead of complaining about how things are or wishing them to be different, I am accepting it for what it is.  Not only that, but I don’t know what these changes could lead to. I am instead allowing the flow of change to occur, (after all there are some things you just can’t change) and instead changing my response.  I am not fighting the current.  And while I have been drained and just plain tired this week, I know it will pass and I will soon be back to my positive, energetic self.

In the meantime I will look at this moment as an opportunity to learn the lessons of patience, acceptance, and faith.  Patience in my journey, acceptance for what is, and faith that all will work out how it is meant to for my highest good (of course not without a bit of action on my part).

That action right now is to take care of my immediate need for rest and relaxation.  It means looking at the bright side of the changes and the possible opportunities that can come out of them.  (I might actually have time to begin my book!)  It means learning to welcome change instead of allowing it to turn my life upside down.  It finding balance with the “new”.

But at this very moment it means taking a hot shower, getting into some comfy clothes, and getting a good night’s rest!

Follow The Joy

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Last month I read a post from Jess Lively that really inspired me.  I put the thought into my mental memory bank for later retrieval and after the last two days of my day job I was reminded of this post about a concept of “pretiring”.  Check out her post here.

Jess discusses how she plans to give herself permission each day to do things that she enjoys and to follow her heart to what feels good.  My initial thought was…”you can do that?”.  As I thought about it more, it made so much sense to me.  How different would your world look if you followed your intuition/gut/spidey senses and did the things that made you feel good even just a little bit.  I am a realistic person much more than I like to admit, and the reality for me is that I have a family to help support and I can’t just up and quit my day job to follow my heart.  But I can begin feeling out my writing gigs and only responding to the ones the resonate with me.  I can only write the things that feel natural and organic, and not try to fit into any one box.  The truth is, I don’t belong in a box, I like to wear far too many hats to sit in one place for too long.

I have been inspired to begin doing more things that feel right as opposed to the things I feel I should do, although there are many shoulds that I can’t get away from.  (I should get up for work to pay the bills until my side gigs turn into something that can support myself and my family etc. )

I have read a lot about following your heart and fulfilling your life purpose and from what others are saying, the more you do that authentically, the more you will see opportunities come into focus and you allow your path to unfold for you.  It is at this point that your life’s work doesn’t feel like work, it feels like joy.  So, I am doing just that.  Doing the things that feel good and bring me joy.  What a concept right?

**Disclaimer** Do not be fooled by fear.  Fear has a funny way of making something feel wrong when really it is just trying to limit what you are doing. I too have to be careful when fear comes around because I often mistake it for my gut telling me that something isn’t right, when in actuality it is trying to keep me where I am.  Use your judgement and feel how fear feels for yourself.  It may be different for everyone, but I urge you not to let a fear of failure to stop you from moving towards your dreams.

So, what if you did more of what feels right to you and followed your joy more?  What would your life look like?  I am sure it would look (and feel) much different from how it does now.  I invite you to do something each day that inspires you, excites you, and lights the flame of desire for your dreams.  The more you do, the more you will find to be excited about.  I’d love to hear what you plan on doing more of!